I've had a couple friends/readers email me over the past few months mentioning they're surprised I haven't blogged more about my pregnancy these past few months. I've debated on whether or not to share this publicly - those girlfriends who are closest to me have certainly listened in person/over the phone to my feelings on this subject (thank you, thank you, thank you for letting me be me) - but I figure why not put it out there:
I do not enjoy being pregnant.
Gasp. Shock. Horror. I said it. And I already feel better for getting that off my chest.
Before I continue, let me clarify a few things. I am not ungrateful for this blessing. We are thrilled to start this next chapter of our lives. I know there are others who would give their right leg to be in my position. I am very conscious of their desires to have a baby of their own and I don't at all want to hurt their feelings. And secondly, just because I am not basking in the "joy" of this phase of my life does not mean our child will be less "loved" or I won't be a good mother. I don't buy in to the thinking that you have to love pregnancy in order to provide a fabulous life for your child.
With all of that said, I'm a means to an end type of girl. If I have to align myself on one side or the other, I generally prefer the product and not the process. I am outcome-oriented, always looking to the next task/challenge and these 9 months are at odds with how I approach a lot of life.
I'm impatient. I don't like surprises. I don't deal well with change and often create unnecessary anxiety because I dwell on the unknown. I'm modest, hate being poked and proded and don't like the feeling of eyes watching my body balloon up. I'll be the first one to say it, I can be selfish and don't like to be inconvenienced. Yes, these are my weaknesses, I'm sharing them here, and none bode well for this pregnancy experience.
I'm ready to get this over with. I'm uncomfortable, I'm self conscious and I am anxious to feel like myself again. Can you blame me? Perhaps at some point, I'll look back and regret not "living more in the moment" but that is exactly why I feel the need to write this. This is how I feel at this moment. So be it.
So friends, no, there are no weekly preggo posts with belly bump pics. That, for me, would just be intolerable. I get through each day gracefully and with a smile (usually) but I prefer not to dwell or broadcast this journey to the world. I respect (and read with great interest) others who do, but it's just not me.
Plus, I'm paranoid about how putting these things on the interwebz will impact my kiddo later on. I mean, would my son (just an example) really want his mother broadcasting all the details of her body when she was pregnant? Since I can't for certain say yes, it's only fair I error on the side on letting him make his own cyber reputation. You'll all meet the wee one in due course, but I certainly don't see this space becoming a full fledged mommy blog full of personal details. If there's no need to do it later, then there's really no need to start now.
So there you have it, that's me and pregnancy. We're acquaintances by necessity, we probably won't ever be best friends, but I'm grateful to have this burden to bear.